NOT ALONE.

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            emotions rapidly conflict, swinging between anger, hurt, & sadness. the man she loves is acting REPULSED by their own baby, like at any moment she is going to turn into the freaking boogie man. ❛ no! you’re being an ass, ❜ is repeated sharply while he scrambles out of bed. she knows she can’t make him want to be around his daughter, she can’t force him to even acknowledge her. THAT is the most frustrating part. who he was when she was pregnant with the baby compared to who he is being NOW are polar opposites. this is the same person who cried with her in the women’s restroom at the hospital after she peed on a stick that presented two little red lines, the same person who religiously pulled her from surgeries to make sure she took prenatal vitamins on time, & who talked to her growing belly daily.    (    she doesn’t recognize this man.    )

            arms gently bounce the noisy newborn, her own floodgates finally bursting. it’s a combination of the crying baby & the built-up frustration with alex that provokes it. hand snakes upward to wipe the tears on the back of her sleeve, dark hues suddenly finding the wall very interesting while she composes herself. ❛ stop freaking saying you’re tired! i’m tired too, alex. why can’t —— we’re supposed to be doing this TOGETHER. i’m alone AGAIN, & i can’t do this alone, i can’t. alex, i —— god, i don’t understand, please. do you not —— do you not LIKE her? ❜ the question tumbles out cautiously, mostly because she really doesn’t want to know the answer to it. if he didn’t like her, the irrational feeling that she failed him would consume izzie. she sees his confliction & tries to understand why he is acting the way he is, tries to accept it. another shaky breath is taken while orbs are glued to a quieting charlotte. ❛ okay, um. okay, let’s try something. just —— i’ll say three things that might be the reason you don’t want to —— be around charlotte, & if i guess one right, you have to hold her. you don’t even have to say which one was right. okay? do this for me. ❜ 

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          eyes narrow, lips part —— incredulous.     (   as if he has the right to be.      ❛   of course i freakin’ like her,   ❜     he answers, misdirected anger lacing the cadence of his words.     gaze drifts from a squawking charlotte to izzie’s tears and back again.     of course he likes her;     he LOVES her.     from the very first moment he laid eyes on her, he knew that he would do anything it took to keep her safe & happy.      whatever she needed, he would provide.     even now, he wants nothing more than to console her and rock her back to sleep.     he’s also sure that jimmy felt the exact same way about him, aaron, and amber when they were born, and that resulted in needles in arms and bruises on skin.     nothing like that is in his future, but it doesn’t take being an abusive addict to screw up your kid.   (   and hasn’t he already screwed up so much else?   )   it’s that deep-rooted fear of a failure that would affect both him & his family that has kept him so distant these past few days, but he knows he can’t keep doing this to izzie.

          a few steps and he has stopped in front of his wife, hands that long to reach out and comfort her left at his sides.     he never meant to make her cry.     tone has softened when he speaks again, countenance following suit.     ❛   you’re not —— you’re not alone, iz. i’m right here. it’s not —— i just…   ❜     he trails off & has resolved himself to finally tell her what’s really been going on with him when she offers up her idea.     it’s silly, elementary even —— but so is how he’s been acting.     not to mention that this keeps him from having to outright admit that he’s AFRAID, so he refrains from teasing her about it like he normally would.     maybe later.     a nod in agreement, and then he takes a seat at the end of the bed, gesturing for her to join him as both hands come to rest upon their according knees.     the excitement over finally holding their baby mingles with the anxiety he’s been harboring, mocking him for taking so damn long to get over himself.     he doesn’t care.     he’s too focused on the tiny pink bundle moving around in the arms beside him.

 

atlas carries

today's the day my life begins. all my life i've been just me, just a smart mouth kid. today i become a
M A N.

the world

ind. pri. sel. alex karev
penned by sabrina
est. april 9th, 2016
#smartmcuth

dutifully 'pon

drafts: 20
asks: 15
starters: 13

weary shoulders

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previously bcttleworn