he’s staying. that much is obvious in his steady gait towards her, in the hold he takes on her foot. the nostalgic gesture nearly knocks the WIND out of the blonde. it’s a small but meaningful gesture, one that has & always will meant i’m not going anywhere. the itching need to pull her foot back, to tell him to go screw himself, is there, but she can’t do it. he’s staying & she doesn’t deserve that —— not after she didn’t stay all those years ago. she settles on begrudgingly flinching when the warmth of his hand mingles with that of her foot, but CHOOSES to not pull away because she doesn’t want to mess up the scan. NOT because it reminds her of all the times she managed to rouse him from a deep sleep by pressing her icicles for toes against his legs until he would grumble & pull her closer. definitely not because of that. ( yeah, she’s gonna go with the defense of not wanting to mess up the ct. )
❛ i’m serious, alex. get out while you still can, wouldn’t want my very possible incoming hallucinations screwing up your life again, ❜ is seethed with venom, an uncontrollable, rash attempt to hurt him in the same way he hurt her. it was petty, izzie knew that. but she’s angry, terrified, & LOST —— they both are. dark hues betray her & flit to the man at her bedside once again, brows pinching slightly closer together sadly. ❛ when are we going to stop hurting each other? ❜ words barely a whisper, her voice is laced with grief. grief for what once was, grief for what was MISSED, & grief for her own massive mistakes nearly a decade before. ❛ i’m scared too. i’m scared & i —— i miss you all the time. it’s never just for a minute, either, it’s —— all the time. i don’t get it & i don’t get you some days but dammit, alex, i want to try. i can’t live another day missing you when you’re right here, because i’ve spent too much of my time missing people that are dead & not right here. i can —— i can do something about it this time. ❜ a deep inhalation is taken before continuing. ❛ so yes. i think a fresh start would be nice. ❜
fingers nervously smooth out the fabric of the form-fitting black dress. this is ALEX, she feels silly for being nervous about meeting him for a freaking drink, something they had agreed upon doing after her appointment. the surgeon had changed her dress twice before finally opting that she better stop since she didn’t have the best of luck last time she changed her dress so many times. stop, iz, you look fine. this isn’t even a date, just a catch-up. blonde curls, now grown out to almost the length they were during her intern year, cascade over her shoulders; a welcome change from the chemo hair she outfitted up until a few years ago. perched on the barstool tensely, she orders two dark beers while she waits & briefly hopes that dark beer is still his favorite. ( she wonders how many other women got to learn that he hates cold feet & that dark beer is his absolute favorite. )
where he had been relatively calm upon leaving his apartment, nerves now keep him seated firmly in the front seat of his car —— though he has managed to turn the engine off and take the key out of the ignition. BABY STEPS! he’s pretty sure he’s starting to sweat despite the chill slowly seeping into the vehicle, stomach twisting itself into knots. when was the last time he was this nervous? when he went up for that board seat? he LOST that, and remembering that does nothing to quiet his roaring psyche. hands grip the top of the wheel as he stares at the front door of the bar. this is IZZIE. they’ve done this countless times. met up at a bar, gotten drunk, gone home together. but this is different. he’s different. she’s different. what if what they had really is gone? after all these years, who knows what incompatibilities have formed. he lets out a huff, letting himself relax against the back of his seat. if it’s gone, then it’s gone —— but nothing would be worse than not trying at all. he’s a fighter. he can do this. reaffirmed in his decision to stop running from her, he finally reaches for the handle.
she lights up the whole room, and this time when he walks in, he is not blinded by her; he hardly has to squint. ( what did they say about ICARUS and THE SUN? he can’t seem to recall anymore. ) one or two knots loosen within him, though his shoulders have tensed considerably. he gives a nod to joe as he weaves through the tables, expression tellingly neutral. a clearing of his throat, a careful ❛ hey, ❜ and he has taken the seat beside her. it takes everything in him not to let his eyes roam —— because god damn, that dress. instead, he removes his jacket to reveal a dry shirt. and yes, he does surreptitiously check to make sure before tucking his jacket between him and the stool. hands wrap around the beer before him —— a dark, local microbrew, just like he had suggested when she had that party years back. he would be surprised that she remembered, but it’s izzie. she probably remembers what shampoo he still uses too. the bottle is lifted slightly as he turns to face her, coupled with: ❛ thanks. ❜
it feels like he’s walking on e g g s h e l l s, not quite sure what to say, not quite sure if he should bring up the possibility of her cancer coming back or if he should keep it light. after a beat, he decides the latter is probably the best course of action. he’ll be there for her even if they wind up hating who the other has become in the years they’ve spent apart, but he still wants to get to know this perfectly familiar and yet strikingly different woman sitting before him. ❛ i, uh —— i read up on some of the articles you wrote. one of ‘em actually helped derek and i save a kid a while back, ❜ he starts, not meeting her eyes. brows furrows, grip on his beer tightening. so much has happened in the time she’s been gone, a staggering amount of friends lost. he’s sure that the death of a renowned neurosurgeon like derek shepherd must have gotten around the community, but if it hasn’t… ❛ do you—— do you know about derek? ❜ so much for keeping things light.