he wishes he believed in an afterlife, in something more, in something beyond. maybe that would bring him some comfort, knowing that she’s not stuck in the casket that will soon be lowered into the ground, but rather safe in a realm unseen — because she’d definitely go to heaven if it was real. maybe it would make him feel better if he believed she was happy with george and denny. he almost wants to laugh. this is the first and only time of his life that he’s wished for her to be with denny. maybe if he knew she was still out there, that there was a chance to be with her again, he wouldn’t feel so empty.
and really, there’s no other way to describe it. he feels empty and cold, the pain of losing izzie seeping into his bones and chilling him from the inside out. it permeates his entire body until he can register nothing else. vacant eyes fix themselves on the picture of her surrounded by too many roses as he’s asked to come up and deliver the eulogy. he didn’t write one. he doesn’t even know what he’s going to say when he gets there.
when he finally does, lips part, and for once in his life, alex decides to say exactly what he feels. ❛ it still, uh — doesn’t seem possible that you’re gone, ❜ he begins numbly, still staring at the image of his beaming, beautiful wife, too happy for an occasion so morbid. he has to clear his throat before continuing. ❛ doesn’t seem possible that the sun can shine without you here, doesn’t seem fair that the life we started together ended so damn soon. because it isn’t fair. it’s CRAP. ❜ a laugh — borderline hysterical and cut off by the way his face pinches. ❛ all of this— all of this is crap. we were just gettin’ married. you were just getting better! are you kidding me? are you freakin’ kidding me? how is any of this fair? you’re being buried and now i’m alone again. ❜
he’s not sure when meredith walked up to get him, but suddenly her hand is on his arm, her lowered voice is telling him that’s enough, to come and stand with her. there’s no protest as he obliges, falling in line next to his weeping mother-in-law and remaining friends to watch his wife get lowered into the ground. alex wishes he believed in an afterlife. maybe that would bring him comfort, but he doesn’t believe in any of that crap and the only comfort he finds is at the rim of a tequila bottle when he gets home.